Nick's Knacks

Check out the action in the stands at the 2010 U.S. Open:

I don’t know what initially set-off our little Italian friend, and he’s certainly not blameless, but he definitely was jumped by that old dude.

The Big “Twen” Conference revealed its pair of six-team divisions on Wednesday, and the river of tears from bawling Wisconsin fans has spilled over its banks and reached critical flood stage. Wow are we a bunch of whiners.

Here’s the breakdown:

Division 1: UW, Ohio State, Penn State, Illinois, Indiana, Purdue

Division 2: Michigan, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern

The Badgers will maintain their annual battle for the axe with Minnesota. Michigan and Ohio State will annually do business in their season finale.

“But what about the other rivalries?” Wisconsin faithful are asking.

Who cares? (and here come the e-mails)

It’s not that I have no regard for tradition. But adhering to tradition simply “because that’s the way it’s always been” is the greater injustice.

My Saturday afternoon didn’t just find its way to the toilet because, at the end of 60 minutes, I don’t get to walk away with some lame trophy and the sense of “we did it to you again, boys.” I don’t care about a brass bull. In truth, I don’t really care about an axe. If I were a Minnesota or Michigan fan, I wouldn’t care about a little brown jug.

I care about winning. I care about topping the standings. And as much as I don’t like the system, I care about the BCS.

We have a new look to our conference. I hope our attitudes follow suit, for this change is an exciting opportunity to embrace new traditions, new rivalries, and a new path to a BCS berth.

Orange Country, CA is no stranger to the brush fire. According to some experts, over 90% of brush fires are caused by humans. Natural occurrences, such as lightening, account for the remainder. When were talkin’ human causes, we’re talkin’ pyromania, careless use of smokes, arson…that sort of thing.

Oh yeah, and golf.

OC Fire Authority Captain Greg McKeown said Monday that a golfer probably set off a 12-acre blaze when his club chipped a rock. Seriously. This isn’t a joke. HERE’S the story.

So how long before the environmentalist whackos try to shut down the PGA? “Save the shrubs…put away the clubs! Save the shrubs…put away the clubs!”

Remember week 3 of the 2009 NFL season? When the Detroit Lions snapped their 19-game regular season losing streak? Probably not, but that’s when they snapped their 19-game regular season losing streak. Remember how the players lapped Ford Field, giving high fives to the fans for sticking it out through a season-plus of ineptitude? The gesture was met with opposing vigor.

Critics argued that the Lions had reached a place of contentment with failure. They should expect to win each and every week or they shouldn’t take to the field. They’re professionals. Their celebration…a little bush-league, they said.

I was one of those on the other side. I thought it was a genuine, human response to brutally tough time in Lions-Land. Of course, the team went on to win just one more game last year, so maybe the other guys were right. Either way, nobody’s pickin’ Detroit to be in the mix come January.

Just don’t tell that to Louis Delmas.

Plagued by a groin injury this pre-season, the DB finally made it onto the playing surface last Saturday, and arrived with all the gusto you’d expect…in the post-season. Look out kids:

It’s not often that I look forward to a pre-season game. The first one, sure…football is finally back. But after that, there isn’t a whole lot of eager anticipation encasing the “who’s gonna survive the cut to 75?” contesting.

But I must admit that I am really fired up for tonight’s Packers-Colts affair. It’s a chance to watch a certain first-ballot HOFer in action. Peyton Manning. That guy’s pretty good, if you like 6’5,” 230 pound quarterbacks – laser, rocket arm:

The pre-season offers the opportunity for many to attend their first game, as well. Though regular season tickets are far more accessible that they used to be, pre-season tix are abundant. And Econ 101 teaches us that when the supply exceeds the demand, the prices drop. So many families find a pre-season diversion a more economical reality than the regular season. And that’s a great thing. After all, it’s important to spend time with your kids…so Peyton Manning doesn’t:

Now I know it looks like piling on, but c’mon Favre apologists…even you have to admit that this is funny:

There was Michael Vick throwing a pass out of the stadium at practice:

There was the ball girl scaling the wall to make a catch at minor league baseball game:

There was the UFO in Canada:

That one doesn’t really fit the theme, but it is pretty funny.

Now there’s Roger Federer knocking a bottle off some set monkey’s head at a Gillette commercial shoot. The question is, real…er no?

I must admit.  I'm leaning towards real.

He’s one of the most active guys in the defensive backfield of the NFL, but Antonio Cromartie is apparently all over the place off the field, as well.  From HBO’s “Hard Knocks,” here’s Antonio waxing on the importance of being a father to his…how many kids is that?

Dang! Three 3-year-olds, one turning 3, and a 2-year-old? That’s one heck of a run from ’06 – ’07. With eight kids in the fold, just one with his wife, how much is this dude actually brining home on pay day?

“Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.”

Another offering from DJ Steve Porter? “I’m sure a lot of people are like, yes!” You said it, Brett:

My lifelong dream of becoming the head grounds keeper for the Milwaukee Brewers has suffered another hit.

Our parents provide the great disservice of overnurturing us on the principle of sticktoitiveness, culminating in the oft expressed, rarely backed-up idiom: "You can do anything if you put your mind to it."

Not true.

I am not a major league baseball player.  Trust me.  I wore out my cranium on that one.  Still waitin’ on the call.

When I was growing up, I looked forward to the hours before first pitch as much as I did the actual baseball game.  It was mandatory that my father get us to the park as soon as the gates opened, not to heighten my chances at snagging a BP fly ball (though that was a nice fringe benefit), but in order that I might be able to view the final on-field preparations. 

I marveled at the setting of the batter’s box, the watering of the infield, the manicuring of the mound.  I always imagined myself moving not from the dugout to the broadcast booth…you know, when I retired from the game…but rather to the role of head grounds keeper.

Unlike being a player or even a broadcaster, I’ve always regarded my dream of (now) Miller Park caretaker as one of great attainability.  Until now.

A lifetime of chronic sinus related distress led me to the offices of multiple specialists this week.  After a CT scan and a few meetings with a few really smart people, the conclusion was this:

• I should avoid yard work.

Okay, okay, there’s a lot more to it - I have a deviated septum; I have multiple cysts in my right sinus cavity; I have some issue with my right nasal concha; I have terrible allergies to a couple of everpresent triggers; surgery lurks on the horizon – but all my brain has processed is that one sentence in the 10 pages of literature that I was given that states:

“The possibility of a sinus episode can be reduced through the avoidance of outdoor chores.”

Maybe I can live vicariously through my wife, though I don’t think she’s at all interested in mowing the Miller Park outfield.

Please do not ever take down the big top, Brett, for re-mixing your finest myths never gets old. I thought about waiting until after you met with the media today to put this together, but upon further review figured, “What’s the point?” Your story never changes.

So frighteningly predictable is your method, that you boarded the private jet back to MN exactly one year to the day that Ziggy originally picked up your spoiled butt in 2009.

The script for today’s presser-to-be was written three years ago. Let’s see, you won’t be able to believe that you’re back, especially after how things ended last year. Then you’ll lay a thick foundation for failure, stressing that your ankle is not 100%. You won’t know how well you’ll hold up until you really get out there. But ultimately, something inside you said you weren’t done yet. You had a list of reasons why you should hang it up and why you should return. In the end, it was your teammates and your family who got through to you. After all, it’s never been about you, and it’s certainly not about the money.

Did I miss anything, liar?

I recently shot some video with the Green Bay Chamber of Commerce for their “Current” campaign. Current is a network for young professionals in the greater Green Bay area. If you’re interested in checking it out, you can do so HERE.

The video went public late this morning.

Interestingly, the Chamber has not pressed me to join the network. Not sure what’s up with that.  My farmer's tan?